The Yoga Of Quitters

I love that yoga still surprises me. After 10+ years being a student of yoga it can still sneak into my life and just floor me. So how is yoga surprising me right now? Yoga is allowing me to be a scared, self-doubting little quitter. Or put another way yoga is allowing me to be a good mama.

You see, after closing my studio a few years ago, suddenly and pretty much out of the blue I’m going back to teaching. I thought when I closed my studio it would be a lot longer before I ever taught again, I was in fact trying to change careers all together. I wanted a job that was steady, something that would allow me to work from home every once in a while, take a sick day or even a vacation! And all because I was planning on moving off somewhere and starting a family once I had a shiny new degree in Graphic Design.  Then I got knocked up! See, the planning a family thing was a solo project and I hadn’t been dating my fella very long and are where taking some serious anti-baby precautions.  But I guess my son really wanted to get born!

I carried my growing baby along with my art supplies and USB drives all through the next semester at school and despite him being only 3 weeks old I went back the following semester. I still had in my head the image of a new job, of one day living out in the country working from home and taking care of my critters (human and animal). So to me it seemed like I needed to plow through school at top speed so I could get my degree and get living.

Then I got sick and my getting sick led directly to my baby getting sick. So I was missing school trying to get well then hurrying to catch up then getting sick again because of stress and all the meds I was on were making the baby unhappy and colicky and… well it was all to much. I dropped out of the semester. It was heartbreaking. It felt like that last little piece of my non-mother identity was gone. I was a…gasp…stay at home mom! But it worked. I stopped getting sick, my boy got over his colic and we got bored. Not like there wasn’t anything to do bored, I was still trying to keep the house and just cause he wasn’t colicky anymore doesn’t mean my boy wasn’t still demanding and a nap fighter and all around tiny tiny dictator (moms, you know what I mean and that I mean it with love and laughter). No, I mean bored in the “I haven’t spoken to an adult in over 36 hours kind of bored.” So I did one thing to help me grasp onto a shred of my former self, one thing to possibly get me out of the house every once in a while, one thing that seemed healthy and not about the baby or my fella or the laundry list of things I “should” be doing; I asked my prenatal yoga teacher to keep me in mind if she ever needed a sub.

She didn’t, she needed someone to take over the class, she was giving it up and did I want to it?

YES! Yes, I want it! But wait, how can I be a stay at home mom, full time graphic design student AND teach yoga. Well the answer is I can’t. And right now I don’t want to. See I’m starting to doubt myself. As the semester I dropped out of chugged along I saw my former classmates excelling, making beautiful and smart things! I felt so insecure about my abilities. How would I ever catch up? Would it be worth it? Am I cut out to be a designer when there are so many other amazingly talented people out there? Right now, I do not feel like I am.

And you know what? Yoga makes that ok. I know I’ll finish my degree in time but having a job, having a Community that is more accepting of my massive life change is a huge relief. This opportunity takes so much pressure off me, I don’t have to hurry up and plow through these next few years so I can get a job and be a good mom. No, I can be a good mom now! I won’t feel like a burden to my partner (which is self put upon, he doesn’t feel that way!) and I can give some energy back to place that has been so good to me since I got pregnant.  I can be a quitter and still be a good yogi. Thanks yoga, you sneaky little life changer you!

Morning Quickie: I Forgot How To Teach

Right now my son is on the floor, cooing contentedly, exploring his toes and his ultra plush blanket; baby neurons exploding with joy. And I’m at the table in extreme pain and searching google for some magical technique I’ve never tried to unclog milk ducts. The guilt I feel for not being down there with him is almost as painful as my swollen breast, I can feel the tears starting to build up behind my eyes.

There is so much to motherhood that is painful. So much. And so very much we pile up on ourselves. This guilt that is turning over in my gut it entirely self imposed. My son is happy, believe me he’d let me know if he wasn’t.  Yeah, I could get down there with him and get him giggling by “playing” with him and his blanket. But would that be better, would I be “teaching” him more by stroking the blanket over him so he can start feeling his body. Or will he gain more by observing and experimenting on his own.

The answer is both. Both are the correct choice. And I need to remember that. I am home with my son all day, we play together, giggle, and learn and then sometimes I put him in his bouncy chair and let him be entertained by his floor mobile, or a spatula or even (cue tragic music) a video. And my son is fine, he’s thriving in fact! He’s hitting all of his developmental markers, he’s a generally happy baby even though we do have some colic battles.

How did I forget this. As I teacher I know this. You can not always be teaching, student shave lessons they need to learn on their own. But as a teacher your job, your hope, is that on the mat you have given them the tools to facilitate their own learning when they are not on their mat. So shouldn't i be doing the same with a baby?

I write in metaphors a lot, it  helps me sort things out and relay what I’m trying to say. So for me I often think yoga, the practice of asana that is, as the biggest metaphor for life. That while I’m practicing and while I’m teaching that yoga is mimicking life. The challenges, the boring bits, the moments of elation are all the same emotions as in real life. I used to know this more deeply, I used to live it and I’m going to start doing that again. I'm going to do use it on the mat and as a mother. Right after I go giggle on the floor with my son.

Sunday Funnies

We can use humor to take the sting out of talking about hings that really, really, bug yoga teachers! Here is the series of yoga etiquette videos put together by Tejas Yoga.

The Value of Yoga

Ask any yoga teacher why they teach yoga and I bet you the answer is not, “for the money.” However being a yoga teacher you are providing a service, you are proving knowledge in a safe and comfortable environment and therefore you are not wrong to ask for an exchange; whether it is money, trade, or even fresh veggies and farm eggs, of which I personally and gladly accept as payment!

But lately I’ve been struggling with this concept of “getting paid” for yoga. Just like I did when I began my training as a massage therapist. For me being a nurturer is simply a part of who I am, I really do want to help everyone feel better, safer and more comfortable in the world and in themselves. My massage instructor put it like this, “It is an exchange of energy. You are giving energy to a person and you have the right to receive energy in return. You can decide what and how to receive that energy.”  So what is enough? A hug? Ten dollars? Sixty? The piece of mind knowing you helped someone in need? And right now I have come to the uncomfortable conclusion that I no longer know. I can no longer feel what feels right about accepting energy for my teaching. I don’t want it to be money but I have bills to pay.

I am a “modern yogi.” I don’t live at an ashram or in a mountain cave, I live in the world. I have rent to pay, groceries to buy, heat and water bills. So when life in the real world gets hard I start to fret about things like dwindling class sizes and the value of time and no shows. When my mind goes there my yoga stops being about teaching and the exchange of energy and it becomes a job. And that is exactly what I do not want my yoga to be.

So now what? Can I, self proclaimed, queen of happy mediums find a comfortable compromise? Am I willing to fall back into the hustle of self promotion and studio advertising? That all seems very businesslike to me and exhausting. In fact last year I burned out completely doing all that and stopped teaching for a while. Maybe I started back too soon, maybe I started back the wrong way. Operating in a pattern already proved wrong.

So I’m reevaluating and shifting my perspective. When I opened my studio years ago it was a place dedicated to building Community and for a while it was amazing! A place where people of my tiny town came together, where we shared and celebrated each others gifts and talents and it truly was a beautiful exchange of energy. I think now is the time to get back to that. Actually, I know it is and that means making some changes. Some terrifying and some exciting but it is time. Community is my home.

Recently, while crying in a friends arm chair, he told me that he looks to me for inspiration. He said that he is learning as part of his own journey how important Community is and that I was his example of how that can be created. I was flattered but could not see through myself doubt enough to believe him. Now I can see it. Being a yoga teacher is not my job; my job is to build a Community with yoga as the center piece, the glue that holds people in need of a healthy energy exchange together.

And that, I can do.

Somedays...

Sometimes running a yoga studio feels like...

...constantly cleaning toenails off the floor.

...staring at the ceiling wondering what your students see if they don't close their eyes during Savasana.

...comparing yourself to more talented teachers.

And sometimes it feels like...

...you really make a difference in someone's life.

...inspiration is flowing to, from, and between you and your students.

...you are doing what you were born to do!

Meet the Blogger

Greetings readers,  I feel the time has come for us to meet. See, I'm a little shy when it comes to the internet, never really sure how much info i want to put out there. I don't really know why but for whatever reason I've been running this blog rather anonymously, today that changes, I am coming out of the cyber closet! And I'm starting with my name, Amy E Mills. Shocking I know, but when i look back over my blog there are some very personal things here so why not give y'all a chance to relate not to a faceless ghost writer but to me. I hope it's not too much of a shock like when you see a picture of your favorite public radio host.

So that's me, blogger with resident bead head as seen usually with a cup of (usually decaf) coffee. I am Amy, I live in southern Wisconsin (in a tiny town) and I am a yoga teacher and part time blogger.

And since this is a blog we should get down to the actually post for today and since I'm being all honest here are 5 true things about me as a yoga teacher.

1. I never intended to be a yoga teacher.
Nope, I went into my first teacher training with the goal simply to deepen my practice and gain a greater understanding of yoga's history and philosophy.

2. I don't practice everyday.
Nope again. I try to get on my mat but sometimes I get bogged down by my schedule, my emotions and on the off days an illness. And sometimes I have to accept that my yoga for the day is walking my dog or the couple of sun salutes I did between classes or simply trying to bring a little more awareness into my posture for a day.

3. I'm pretty dyslectic so mirroring is really tricky for me.
Yep that whole right and left thing has always alluded me. I flip numbers in addresses and credit card numbers, i write lower case Bs and Ps and sometimes i can't tell the difference between a lower case D or B without major debate. So with my natural inclination so switch things around in my head I went into theater, even more backwards because stage directions are given from the audiences perspective and left or right. So, should you ever take one of my classes you might hear a favorite catch phrase which is, "I'm going to turn my back on you know, not that I don't love you I just can't mirror today." My students love it!

4. Sometimes, when I'm standing in the classroom watching my students practice I get teary because they are so inspiring.
Speaking of students, I have an amazing group of dedicated yogis. I am easily one of the most blessed teachers ever, I know everyone's name and have seen their practices grow and change over the past 2 years. Sometimes it's what gets me through a class.

5. Quite often I have no idea what pose I'm going to teach next.
So True. I have gotten away from using my teaching notebook. This has its ups and downs; I'm not running to the front of the room every sun salute to see what I have planned next. But sometimes I build a great sequence on the fly and then forget it as I am saying the words out load. Sad but true. My students don't seem to mind or notice for that matter and sooner or later I'll hit the happy medium of book vs. improve.

Yoga Teacher Juggling Lesson

When teaching a yoga class your single pointed focus is, of course, the class; however the class is only the sum of many different parts. A yoga teacher must juggle many different variables to ensure her students have a good time on their mat. Here are a few things that I try to keep my eye on when teaching a class.

First: me. Who has ever had a day when they just didn’t want to go to work? Or felt just ill enough to consider calling in sick? Or had maybe a little too much fun the night before? I think we all have, being a yoga teacher is no different. No matter how much we love our jobs sometimes it’s just hard to get there. And like with many other jobs when you are a yoga teacher people depend on you and look to you as an example. You may feel like death warmed over but to your students you need to show none of it, you may be just not in your groove when that student (yes, you know which one, that one) walks in and you have to suck it up and make them welcome. Because really, you know it’s that student that needs yoga the most. And as much as yoga tells us that we should love our bodies no matter what you still have to help that body look like you belong in front of people. I’m not saying you have to buy $80 pairs of organic wicking cotton yoga pants (virtually all of my yoga clothes came from Goodwill) but you need to look like you didn’t just roll out of bed or worse out of the bar (by the way my studio is located right next door to the local bar). Just wear clothes that fit, especially if you do a lot of demonstrating in your class, brush your hair, and speaking of hair it is a personal pet peeve of mine when yoga teachers let their hair cover their face and shoulders while teaching. I for one connect with people by looking them in the eyes and if you want me to keep my arms plugged in show me what that looks like. Ok mini-rant over. And if you are a little sick or didn’t sleep well, it’s ok that that shows, but toss some cold water of you face before students get there or even a little, dare I say it, make up to soften the redness around the eyes. No matter how humble you are your students are going to look to you for and at you as an example you don’t have to meet those expectations but they’ll appreciate the effort.

Next: climate. Ok anyone who has been to my studio knows that it is climatologically challenged. Seriously! But I make it work, or at least keep it with the margin of forgivable error. And things that annoy the crap out of me like the sound of a the furnace blasting (yes blasting!) or the constant hum of an air conditioner, students will forgive because if they are too hot, they will lose energy on focus before class is over and if it’s to cold they will have to layer up to Nordic degrees to keep from shaking their asanas. Or worse their muscle won’t heat up properly which puts them at a great risk of injury. I worry about this but I try to keep an eye on my students’ body and layers and adjust accordingly. It’s not perfect but they stay comfortable.

Third: body language. This is as important as alignment in my opinion. Watching a group of students as a group rather than individuals, you’ll always have the yogi maven who plugs extra chaturangas and core work in just like you will always have a yogi who is 3 sun salutes in before hitting balasana. But if you notice that over all chaturangas are getting a little sloppy, or skipped all together or Navasana legs are slipping down then maybe the class is getting tired; and really how important is that third really cool arm balance you had planned. I’ve had classes were I demonstrated an arm balance and literally every student just sat there before doing something else or going right to child’s pose. Not fun for a teacher! So tone it down maybe or give them an extra few minutes in Savasana. On the other side of the coin if you notice students fidgeting in poses or a general glaze of bordem over their faces you may want to step up your game. One of the very first things I learned out there was to have a class plan you are completely prepared to scrap on the fly. You never know where the energy of the collective group will take you.

Lastly: music. I adore a well structured yoga mix! However not as many teachers take the John Cusack, High Fidelity, neurotic stance on building playlists as I do. Fine, to each his musical own. But let me just express (since this is my blogger and I’ll rant if want to-sung to…ok really you should get that reference) few things I feel all yoga teachers to take into acoustic account. The “random” button is unacceptable. I can no longer even count the times I’ve been in a yoga class where the energy was waning, starting either too cool down our practice or doing some inner awareness exercise when some crazy dance mix, or insane sitar leapt out of the speakers and poo pooed all over my groove. I for one am also a fan of mixing genres, I’ll throw a little Bob Marley, Sigur Rois, Lucinda Williams, or any other artist I like onto a mix but like with all yoga I do it mindfully. Using songs with lyrics is tricky, I’ve had students break down because a certain song came on, I myself have gritted my teeth though certain ones I’ve heard. So my advice is to stick to a theme and leave all “romantics” off. You can rock a “jammin’” flow with some reggae, and Caribbean sounds, or a blue grassy flow with some banjos and folksters. Or maybe even find some dare I say, uplifting songs by people you wouldn’t classify as yogis to spice up a mix. But keep it simple, keep it flowing and try as hard as you can to have the music match the pace and vibe of your class. If you should find yourself having technical difficulties try to keep music corrections covert or admit to your students you music has gone AWOL and practice in silence. Some people can ignore back ground music, I can’t, so what and how I rock my classes i take very seriously and I have had more than a handful of students ask me to burn them some of my playlist because they enjoy them so much.

So those are just a few of the things a teacher needs to keep in mind while here are as many as 20 sets of eyes upon her. We can’t nail all of them every time but a little effort goes a long way. And we find, just like in our practice, our very own teaching style and groove which morphs over time and circumstance. But again, just like in our practice sticking to the main principles of the discipline can lead to remarkable results.