Meditation: Option B

I set of for walking meditation this morning but the rain had other plans. So I left the trail and decided that a little porch time with my dog listening to the rain would be my meditation for the day. It was peaceful and beautiful. (not my porch, not raining, but that is my dog)

Learning how to be still, to be really still and let life happen- 

that stillness becomes radiance.

-Morgan Freeman

Sunday Funnies

a yogi looks at 30

While I was away from my blog this past month I celebrated a long awaited rite of passage, I turned 30, finally! I’ve been waiting to be 30 since I was about 16, but that’s not what I want to write about. What I want to write about is my birthday meditation; every year on my birthday I sit down and make a collage of the things I want to manifest in the next year of my life. I’ve done this every birthday since I was 19 with the exception of 2 years. The first I had just been dumped (oh yes, 3 days before my birthday), and actually I made the collage but it was so full of heartbreak and wishing for my partner back that I tore it up. The second was this year, because of some life stuff and because my mother and baby sister and nephew were visiting I didn't have the time or the energy to make one. In fact after my family left I still felt too mired down to really think about what I wanted/needed this year. But when I told a good friend in confidence that I wasn't making one this year he told me to be patient and compassionate with myself, it didn't matter that I missed the actually day and that if I started my yearly practice that I’d probably find little of that peace I’m looking for. And my friend was right, of course.

I’m a very lucky woman; I have an amazing family and though they are all far away I have another great "village" (as in it takes a village...) family here in my tiny town, I have my best friend in the world who is 11 years old and still kicking it- my dog, and a loving partner. But what I’m most lucky for is my yoga and my studio. Currently I’m tearing the drop ceiling out of the studio and getting ready to tackle 2 big projects, the ceiling and the floor! So I’ve been putting a lot of my time and energy in the studio lately, so much so that when I thought about doing my birthday collage I felt really drawn to being in the studio. So I packed up my supplies and my dog and walked up there. It was beautiful outside to I propped the door open, put on a groovy playlist and dove it. I spent the afternoon soaking up a little of the good mojo I’d been putting into my physical sacred space and filling up my inner sacred space. I was able to turn that overly analytical part of my mind off for a few hours and let my deep emotions come up. What I found was that I quit hearing about the “stuff” I need from the outside world and what I already have inside me but maybe got lost while I was too busy in that outside world. And what was inside…

A strong home base of love, columns of strength from my yoga, school and studio, all the colors of the rainbow and my desire to express them, an inside that is pure, strong and listens and an outside that is playful and full of joy and inspiration. For as topsy-turvy as life can be and all the expectation I had of turning 30 that didn’t  pan out, I’m pretty darn happy with this one.

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~Mother Teresa

What is Believing Anyway?

I have the word “believe” pasted on a collage in my yoga room at home, currently it’s situated on so that with every lift and swan dive I see that piece of art and the word ‘believe’ swimming in a sea of yellow. For the past few weeks believing has been my theme, I was in the midst of a great awareness and peace, and keenly attuned to just how many things were possible for my life. And then I got knocked off my game, I lost my peace and my sense of possibility. It was a low that took my breath away; as deep and dark as my previous weeks had been light and high. So what does a yogi do, practice. Sure my body was in pain and my brain was ticking like a metronome on speed but this is the work, this is the practice. So to the mat I went. I stood in front of that collage of all the things I hoped to manifest into my life and looked for something to dedicate my practice to. In this collage there are words like “keep is simple” “meditative state” “blessed be” and of course “believe.” I stared a that word for a few moments almost feeling betrayed by it, I felt the heat of anger stirring in my abdomen, like it was the believing that lifted me up only to drop me back to earth with vengeance. But ‘believe’ is only a word, so I closed my eyes, took a few deep breathes and began my practice with the simple breath mantra: “accept, surrender.” With every inhale I accepted where I am and the responsibility I have for where I am and with every exhale I surrendered to where I am and let go of the struggle to move forward.

So the yoga ended and sat for a few moments sealing my practice with a little meditation and what I felt was fear. I checked in with fear, which I will say is a very scary thing, to go into that fear to revel in it in hopes of understanding why it’s there. I took an inhale and accepted my fear, I took an exhale and surrendered and let the tears come forth. I had realized that it was fear that was keeping me from believing, fear keeping me from jumping off the cliff and believing I can fly. And for a moment I felt lifted, no I didn’t immediately fall back in to that blissful state of existence I’d been in weeks earlier, but this is the work, this is the practice. Every moment builds on the next, every time we touch on something good it gets a little easier to find out way back there. Just like in our physical practice, we work on arm balances and inversions even if we think they are beyond our reach. We practice, we accept that our feet or still on the ground and we surrender the effort we are making to lift off. I have had quite a few students come to the mat for the first time (or first few months even) with fear and over time I watch that fear transform into believing in their selves and their practices. And on really good days I see their first flight.