a love letter

I was walking through the woods today taking in the sights and smells of autumn so I guess it was the brilliance of change that fall brings that got me to thinking about my yoga students and how far they have come since I began teaching in earnest this year. I went through each student and as though they were walking and talking with me I said in my head to them, “I challenge your self practice to be…” fill in whatever (I felt) an appropriate lesson for that person to focus on. And then I thought “what would I challenge myself to practice?” and the answer came not so softly as “I CHALLENGE YOU TO DO IT BECAUSE YOU LOVE YOURSELF!” I mean really! Really, how often do I do things for people because I love them and they appreciate it and are grateful that’s not the lesson. The lesson is why don’t I do things to help myself because I love ME? There I was sitting down at the bottom of a pit of depression with all the tools I needed to get better and I just couldn’t do it. I know how to meditate I know how to do yoga and what’s more I know how important they are to maintaining sanity and, to be simple, joy. But I couldn’t muster up the love to do it for myself or for my health and wellbeing. I came to the studio everyday and taught lessons to students whom I love greatly but I also felt like a fraud. What right did I have to lead them in yoga for an hour each day when I couldn’t bare to be on the mat for 15 minutes at home? And who did I think I was imploring them to have compassion for themselves and their practice when I was out right disgusted with my state of being. But I did, I kept up the pretense that I was fine because I love my fellow yogis and I did not want to abandon them on their path. So I guess it was only natural that the key to unlocking my own love was born from love of them. I had to put myself in the role of student and teach myself how to love me. The road back to life from depression is long and I am just beginning but everyday I feel a little better, in fact everyday I feel like I’m falling back in love with life. Everyday that I get on my mat and do yoga my body remembers why I started this in the first place. There are days I don’t want to practice but I remind myself that yoga is how I take care of me, it is how I love me, even if it’s only a few sun salutes in the kitchen its an exercise in compassion. So please, please dear yogis know that now when I talk to you about love and compassion and how I understand what struggle it is you can be sure I’m speaking genuinely because I am living those lessons right now. And it is the love that I have for my students that brought me back to loving myself again and for that I thank you.