The Yoga Of Quitters

I love that yoga still surprises me. After 10+ years being a student of yoga it can still sneak into my life and just floor me. So how is yoga surprising me right now? Yoga is allowing me to be a scared, self-doubting little quitter. Or put another way yoga is allowing me to be a good mama.

You see, after closing my studio a few years ago, suddenly and pretty much out of the blue I’m going back to teaching. I thought when I closed my studio it would be a lot longer before I ever taught again, I was in fact trying to change careers all together. I wanted a job that was steady, something that would allow me to work from home every once in a while, take a sick day or even a vacation! And all because I was planning on moving off somewhere and starting a family once I had a shiny new degree in Graphic Design.  Then I got knocked up! See, the planning a family thing was a solo project and I hadn’t been dating my fella very long and are where taking some serious anti-baby precautions.  But I guess my son really wanted to get born!

I carried my growing baby along with my art supplies and USB drives all through the next semester at school and despite him being only 3 weeks old I went back the following semester. I still had in my head the image of a new job, of one day living out in the country working from home and taking care of my critters (human and animal). So to me it seemed like I needed to plow through school at top speed so I could get my degree and get living.

Then I got sick and my getting sick led directly to my baby getting sick. So I was missing school trying to get well then hurrying to catch up then getting sick again because of stress and all the meds I was on were making the baby unhappy and colicky and… well it was all to much. I dropped out of the semester. It was heartbreaking. It felt like that last little piece of my non-mother identity was gone. I was a…gasp…stay at home mom! But it worked. I stopped getting sick, my boy got over his colic and we got bored. Not like there wasn’t anything to do bored, I was still trying to keep the house and just cause he wasn’t colicky anymore doesn’t mean my boy wasn’t still demanding and a nap fighter and all around tiny tiny dictator (moms, you know what I mean and that I mean it with love and laughter). No, I mean bored in the “I haven’t spoken to an adult in over 36 hours kind of bored.” So I did one thing to help me grasp onto a shred of my former self, one thing to possibly get me out of the house every once in a while, one thing that seemed healthy and not about the baby or my fella or the laundry list of things I “should” be doing; I asked my prenatal yoga teacher to keep me in mind if she ever needed a sub.

She didn’t, she needed someone to take over the class, she was giving it up and did I want to it?

YES! Yes, I want it! But wait, how can I be a stay at home mom, full time graphic design student AND teach yoga. Well the answer is I can’t. And right now I don’t want to. See I’m starting to doubt myself. As the semester I dropped out of chugged along I saw my former classmates excelling, making beautiful and smart things! I felt so insecure about my abilities. How would I ever catch up? Would it be worth it? Am I cut out to be a designer when there are so many other amazingly talented people out there? Right now, I do not feel like I am.

And you know what? Yoga makes that ok. I know I’ll finish my degree in time but having a job, having a Community that is more accepting of my massive life change is a huge relief. This opportunity takes so much pressure off me, I don’t have to hurry up and plow through these next few years so I can get a job and be a good mom. No, I can be a good mom now! I won’t feel like a burden to my partner (which is self put upon, he doesn’t feel that way!) and I can give some energy back to place that has been so good to me since I got pregnant.  I can be a quitter and still be a good yogi. Thanks yoga, you sneaky little life changer you!