small change

My friend believes in change, she has big thoughts and aspirations, she writes eloquently about politics and offers up ways to bring opposing sides together to create a greater good, a true peace. I admire her for this it is not something I am wired for. In fact my exact words to her where, “I’d really like to be the kind of person who called their representative and signed petitions but our system it just so broken that it doesn’t do any good.” And the moment after the sentence landed out there in the ether of our discussion I felt a little broken hearted, I had just said out load that I had no faith. Have I given up on humanity, have I become so discouraged by our government that I have given up on positive change happening for people; red, blue or otherwise color coded. I left our brief conversation at the breakfast table and headed off to my studio to dust away cobwebs and mop the floor for a restorative class that evening. As I swept and tidied I pondered my friend’s belief in the system and her unwavering belief that we can change the government and what exactly am I doing to bring about good things and then I went up stairs. Standing in the loft and looking out over the studio I was washed over with a feeling of love and I thought to myself “I hope this feeling never goes away, I hope to always be overwhelmed by this place,” this place that has so much of my spirit in it this place that I created with the hopes of creating a very small change. The kind of change that happens inside of someone, a small shift on a very deep level that can then trickle out into the world. It’s like this:

The other day my friend and I were driving through a shopping center. We stopped to let a couple cross in the cross walk, it was a shortish balding man with a little beer belly pushing a wheelchair with a woman (assumed to be his wife) in it, both carry armfuls of shopping bags and smiling and laughing with their entire beings. We watched and smiled back and I commented on how happy they must be about life right now and my friend said how that made her day and her smile. And all they were doing was shopping and being together but their happiness affected us and brought us happiness, joy you might even say.

That story came back as I pushed the mop around my studio making ready for my student to come that evening and to hopefully leave a little happier, or peaceful or contented. That is the kind of change I have faith in, small change within our community and among the people you encounter everyday. Just imagine what kind of happiness you could inspire if you decided to smile for day, or what if you practiced peace for a day or non-judgment or compassion. All of these are principles I offer up to my student and I haven’t mastered all of them, I’m still on a journey just like they are. But what I sincerely hope is that within this place they can feel all that love I feel and that they can feel supported and safe enough to find their own bliss and maybe share that bliss, even if it comes only in the form of a smile.

a love letter

I was walking through the woods today taking in the sights and smells of autumn so I guess it was the brilliance of change that fall brings that got me to thinking about my yoga students and how far they have come since I began teaching in earnest this year. I went through each student and as though they were walking and talking with me I said in my head to them, “I challenge your self practice to be…” fill in whatever (I felt) an appropriate lesson for that person to focus on. And then I thought “what would I challenge myself to practice?” and the answer came not so softly as “I CHALLENGE YOU TO DO IT BECAUSE YOU LOVE YOURSELF!” I mean really! Really, how often do I do things for people because I love them and they appreciate it and are grateful that’s not the lesson. The lesson is why don’t I do things to help myself because I love ME? There I was sitting down at the bottom of a pit of depression with all the tools I needed to get better and I just couldn’t do it. I know how to meditate I know how to do yoga and what’s more I know how important they are to maintaining sanity and, to be simple, joy. But I couldn’t muster up the love to do it for myself or for my health and wellbeing. I came to the studio everyday and taught lessons to students whom I love greatly but I also felt like a fraud. What right did I have to lead them in yoga for an hour each day when I couldn’t bare to be on the mat for 15 minutes at home? And who did I think I was imploring them to have compassion for themselves and their practice when I was out right disgusted with my state of being. But I did, I kept up the pretense that I was fine because I love my fellow yogis and I did not want to abandon them on their path. So I guess it was only natural that the key to unlocking my own love was born from love of them. I had to put myself in the role of student and teach myself how to love me. The road back to life from depression is long and I am just beginning but everyday I feel a little better, in fact everyday I feel like I’m falling back in love with life. Everyday that I get on my mat and do yoga my body remembers why I started this in the first place. There are days I don’t want to practice but I remind myself that yoga is how I take care of me, it is how I love me, even if it’s only a few sun salutes in the kitchen its an exercise in compassion. So please, please dear yogis know that now when I talk to you about love and compassion and how I understand what struggle it is you can be sure I’m speaking genuinely because I am living those lessons right now. And it is the love that I have for my students that brought me back to loving myself again and for that I thank you.